Reflecting and Thinking

As I sit to write the ways God has been working in my life I am overwhelmed with the various stories that come to mind. I have experienced a lot in the past few days all good but all filled with the emotions of joy, sadness, anger, and even frustration. We live in a broken world so I am not surprised to experience all these feelings in the middle of paradise. God has ordained each moment and each struggle to bring me closer to His heart beat that I may listen and walk to that beat.
The other night as all the students gathered in The Tin to continue the lecture on, Hearing Gods Voice, I really felt that God would have a word for me through the speaker, Christian. Christian said he had ten people he wanted to say a few words to that God had laid on his heart. I got excited but nervous too. I sat quietly hearing each name called and in my mind I kept counting how many studens he had already spoken to. Ten had come and gone without one word said to me. I was so disappointed and frustrated as I sat there. I quietly battled God and threw statements and questions at Him, why don't I hear you? Am I not worth even speaking to someone else about? I need an answer. I am sick of where I am at. God, am I not believing that you can speak to me? All these lies spun around with no answers so all I had left to do was break down. Tears filled my eyes and I quietly sat there with my face in my hands. I felt a hand on my shoulder and Breanna (staff and amazing girl who's leading me on outreach to BANGLADESH) whispered in my ear, lets talk, I want to pray for you. We then got to share our hearts with eachother and she encouraged me with speaking truths over me. I know truth is what will set me free. (John 8:32) I went back to worship and I could not even sing and that is something that never happens to me. Bre laid her hands on my head and prayed that I would stop believing the lies embedded in the twists and turns of my mind. I am so thankful for bre and I know its going to be a process to break the lies but I am trusting it will all happen in His time. (Ecc 3:11) There is a glimpse of the way God is working here in my life. I have so many other stories but I would have to write a novel!
In my own quiet times I have also learned a lot. Proverbs 14:13 says, Even in laughter the heart may ache. I find that true in my life. For so long I have been known as "smiling amy" and "always happy" and what a blessing that has been but as the years have passed I have gotten a standard built in my head that that is all I can show to everyone around me. I have now realized that i have sacrificed my true happiness to make sure everyone else is okay and when asked if I am okay, i naturally reply good! great! everythings fine! And even though I love encouraging and helping people I never realized the hurts I kept writing off and ignoring in my own heart. Now I am dealing with them and its been a process expecially when I am so people oriented and want to run to whats familiar. Then I found Psalm 118:8; It is better to take refugein the Lord than to trust in man. i believe we can all learn from that. Who is more qualified then the God who created us uniquely and individually to comfort and restore us in every area. We must guard our heart and when its safe to share a piece of it God will allow it to happen with who He knows will protect it as well. He knows our deepest desires, now let go to let Him work.